


When I'm Sixty-Four

by caramelkaren



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-02-26
Packaged: 2017-12-03 15:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/699973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caramelkaren/pseuds/caramelkaren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Carolyn's in the car, she hears a familiar Beatles tune playing, and actually can't believe Paul McCartney is singing about being her age.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I'm Sixty-Four

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Cabin Crew Riot Two! Prompt #2: Stages of Life (Elder Years)
> 
> There are two warnings I have for you. 1.) Carolyn is not my strongest character, and I believe it shows. 2.) This timeline is whack. I wrote it really late, and towards the end you can see me trying to correct some strange discrepancy in continuity on trying to decide really how long it was since Carolyn started MJN. I really put too much thought into that scene, but not enough thought into just when she would be born and just chose whatever year I saw fit. Hahaha go me
> 
> And yes, Ian is a character. Remember Ruth mentioning him in Helsinki? I didn't, but looking up episode transcripts for information made me have to include his name.

“Arthur, I'm heading out to get the groceries. Please don't do anything stupid while I'm gone.”

“Mum, you know I'm perfectly capable of staying home alone.”

“Yes, says the boy who nearly blew up the microwave just this morning.”

“But I know not to do that now!”

Carolyn just sighed and left on her way. She did have to admit, most of the time she went shopping alone Arthur did manage to keep out of disaster's way.

She went and started up her car, and began to drive off. It was a good ten minutes to reach the side of Fitton where her grocery store of preference lay. Unlike stores such as Tesco, this one was a nice little independently owned business. Carolyn knew how hard it was to compete against the big dogs, so she made sure her hard-earned money went to them unless absolutely necessary.

With ten minutes to kill, Carolyn decided to turn on the radio. She always kept it tuned onto her classics station. No, she refused to call them “oldies.” Not the music she grew up to. She managed to catch the second half of “Substitute.” Oh, The Who. Those kids were alright. Not her favorite band of course, but she wasn't gonna complain if they were being played.

The next song though was different. It was The Beatles, her favorite band growing up. Not only that, but it was “When I'm Sixty-Four.”

No. No, no, no. Paul McCartney couldn't possibly be singing about what it could possibly be like when he was sixty-four. When _Sgt. Pepper's_ came out all the way back in 1967, being sixty-four felt forever away.

But yet here she was.

_Will you still need me, will you still feed me, when I'm sixty-four_

Will you still need me. That really hit home. Carolyn did not want to be pushed away to the side just because she had accumulated many years in her lifetime. No, she wanted to remain important, to be more than just “a little old lady.” Huh, leave it to McCartney to even today manage to dig right to the important stuff.

Oh, she could vividly remember when she first heard “Love Me Do” on the radio back in late '62. She was only 14 then, working hard in school. She couldn't understand what exactly “love me do” meant, but that was part of the appeal she found. That and the way each band member managed to look so hilariously similar on the cover of the single. For her, school managed to just be something she had to do. She didn't exactly hate it, but she didn't exactly love it either. She found many classmates to be absolutely grating on her nerves, but yet her studies and the few friends she made were something to almost look forward to. No, what she really loved at the time was boys.

She'd be loathe to admit it though. Carolyn Knapp, daydreaming constantly over boys? She'd sound like all the girls she couldn't stand, the ones who wouldn't shut up over Johnny or Bill or whoever the Guy of the Week was. No, no, no, it was just better to keep quiet. Besides, intellectual discussion with her friends was so much more entertaining anyway.

Carolyn could also still remember not necessarily the first time she heard “All My Loving,” but another first that came along with the song. Her first kiss. She had been flirted up with this boy for quite a while now, and now at just-turned-16 she decided to let the boy take her out. It couldn't hurt much, could it? On their way home, the song just so happened to be playing on the radio, and after he enthusiastically sang along, the “close your eyes and I'll kiss you” line turned out to become a reality, and not just something Carolyn imagined could happen to her.

“Yesterday.” Carolyn was 17 when that one came out. And it happened to be perfect timing too. She had just recently broken up with her first real boyfriend, and it just like Paul, she was finding herself wondering why it had all happened. Little did she know that losing him would turn out to actually be be the easiest to deal with of them all.

In 1967, Carolyn's life was to be changed forever. _Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band_ was deemed to be one of the greatest musical achievements of all time. Finally the band that she had kept as a secret guilty pleasure turned out to be a group to actually adore for more than just how cute they were. They were a serious band with serious ideals and concepts behind them. Even if some of the songs off of that album were full of whimsy. During that summer, the Summer of Love they dubbed it, one of her friends invited her to a listening party. They were all going to get high on weed and LSD and have “meaningful” discussions on just what made this album so wonderful. Okay, so looking back on it, Carolyn knew it wasn't one of her proudest decisions. But it was the '60s after all, and for a 19 year old to deny the chance to trip out was almost unheard of. She eagerly went along, of course. And while she was there, she met an absolutely wonderful guy, who turned out to be her friend for the next coming months. Oh, how Carolyn now scoffed to think that's how she viewed him as.

A man named Gordon Shappey.

Most of the stoned conversation from that evening wasn't even remembered the next day let alone while currently driving to get groceries, but she could still remember the two of them comparing “Good Morning, Good Morning” to “Penny Lane” that had been released earlier that year. Gordon was adamant that Lennon's tune was the more accurate depiction of every day life, but Carolyn was determined to have him see that McCartney's point of view was the more refreshing one. Of course nowadays Carolyn just laughed. “Good Morning, Good Morning” was indeed the better depiction. It took living with the man himself to actually see it.

“Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da” was probably the first song of Paul's that Carolyn just couldn't stand. “Life goes on, brah!” was definitely not the kind of lyrics she wanted to hear right now. Not when she was being forced to take over the sweet shop when because her father passed away recently. She was just about to turn 21, there was no way she could be expected to just keep it running without any sort of training on how! But she was the older of two siblings, and Ruth was still in school. With her parents divorced (despite being such a rare situation back then) there was no way her mom would take over it. So she was stuck.

At least Ian was being very supportive. No, just because she met Gordon first didn't mean she fell for him first. She met Ian while working in the shop a few months before her father's passing. He seemed at first to be just another one of those boys who dressed in high-end psychedelic clothes just to match the times and not because he was a part of the movement. Carolyn couldn't stand those posers. Real hippies were much more natural and a lot less designer. But he was actually very nice and down-to-earth. In fact, he was quite the encouraging individual. He told Carolyn that running the sweet shop meant she was a female business owner. She was helping to make strides in the feminist movement. He often came in to help her out without expecting any pay in return and only just because he didn't want to see her working herself to death.

Which in fact she was quite often. As much as Ian was really being a wonderful help, running a shop on no experience was just not an easy feat. There were so many times where Carolyn just wanted to give up and sell it away. First off, but a little something called pride prevented her from doing that. So along she went on keeping the place afloat, despite how much she wanted to “spread her little wings and learn to fly” like the little blackbird Paul kept singing about.

In 1970 when The Beatles broke up, Carolyn was devastated. Okay, she wasn't in tears over it like many teenage girls were, after all at 22 she was much too grown up for that stuff. But it was depressing to note that the band was done changing and evolving through life along with her. She wasn't sure how it worked, but they managed to be quite accurate at times as to how she was feeling. It was kind of unfair at actually how accurate sometimes. But as it turned out the band still had one more trick up its sleeve. _Let It Be_ was to be their final album. And once again something seemed to click.

“Two of Us” was the song this time around. Okay, maybe Sunday driving and traveling their way back home was not exactly the picture she had with Ian, but the song evoked such feeling of being in love with someone so much that even the smallest every day things seemed special. And considering Ian was now her fiance, it was only fitting.

Yes, she was going to get married to the boy. It was shocking, she knew, but hey, she couldn't help it. She had fallen for him. Of course looking back on it now with experience behind her, Carolyn knew she had developed feelings perhaps a little too quickly. But hey, her mother and her sister both adored him, and he was such a caring, loving, funny, grounded guy that it was hard not to.

When they did get married later in the year, he even let her keep her name. Ian knew well enough that Carolyn did like to feel independent and single even though she was in a relationship. He respected her ideals and choices.

How in the world could she have let him go?

By this point Carolyn had pulled herself into the parking lot of the grocery store. She only momentarily left behind her reminiscent mood as she walked in and grabbed a cart. But as she started crossing off items from her shopping list, she couldn't help but continue on with her thoughts.

In 1974 when Carolyn had finally managed to get her copy of _Band on the Run_ , a certain someone decided to pop back into her life. Gordon Shappey.

Turns out that since she saw him back in '67, he had started up his own little business quite nicely. Here he was at 28 working up his way to a successful career path. Carolyn wished that in two years she could be doing the same. After meeting up a few more times within the next two months, Gordon decided to invite Carolyn over to his place to let him give her some pointers on how to effectively run a business. At first she refused. She didn't want any help in running it. She hadn't needed it for over five years. But then again, it was quite a miracle the shop hadn't gone bankrupt yet, so she caved in.

Carolyn wasn't sure how it happened, but the night turned into something a little more, well, steamy...

She was wracked with guilt at first, but somehow she just continued to come back for more. It wasn't that her love life with Ian was terrible. It just lacked the same spark and passion she seemed to suddenly have with Gordon.

How did any of this relate to _Band on the Run_? “Bluebird.” Just like in the song, someone came in and swooped her away, taking her to a place that felt like paradise.

Eventually Ian had to find out about her cheating streak, and just as she thought he would be, he was furious. He had every right to be. Ian was a wonderful man, and she was throwing it away without a care in the world. That didn't mean it didn't sting though when he asked for a divorce. In fact, she almost didn't give it to him. Gordon was really just someone she screwed around with, nothing more. But in the end she did divorce. A friend of hers told her that since she was with Gordon, it meant Ian wasn't really the one for her in the end. So that was that.

In 1979, her life drastically changed.

She had been married to Gordon for two years now. She was hesitant to do so considering how the last one turned out, but she eventually gave in. Mrs. Knapp-Shappey was how she was referred to anymore. As for the sweet shop, she let go of it. Sure her some of her pride went along with it, but Gordon was doing amazingly well for himself, and why continue to struggle? Also, it just reminded her too much of Ian...

Now, getting pregnant was something Carolyn knew could happen, but never really considered it happening to her.

To say it wasn't a happy day when she announced it to Gordon would be an understatement. He had expressed profusely that he did not want to have a child. He couldn't stand children. Not at all. But there was nothing Carolyn could do about it. Yes, there was abortion, but she hated medical procedures. She never really trusted anyone with her life like that. So she decided that she was going to carry the baby through its full term and then put it up for adoption.

Of course once little Arthur was born, there was absolutely no way in hell she could give him up. Born June 26, 1980, he was the most adorable little baby she had ever seen in her life. And he was hers.

To believe this little thing had been inside of her forming for nine months of her life. A quite difficult to deal with nine months to be exact. If it wasn't enough that her hormones were whacky, Gordon also had to express his discontent over her pregnancy over the entire time. Why was he the one complaining about it? It was just as much his fault as it was hers that they never did think to use condoms or birth control or anything like that. And he didn't have to deal with giving birth to their baby. If anyone deserved the right to complain, it was Carolyn.

It was the arrival of little Arthur into their home though that began what would be the most drawn out road to divorce she could possibly think of.

With Arthur's cries of hunger, dirty diapers, or losing his binkie for the hundredth time that day, Gordon was being driven insane. So insane in fact that Carolyn soon found him drinking. A lot. Turns out the only way he could handle his own son was though the altered state alcohol gave him. And an intoxicated Gordon wasn't as charming as a stoned or tripped out Gordon was back in the day. Not by a long shot.

Despite Carolyn's disappointment in the overall sound of the _McCartney II_ album, it turned out that “Waterfalls” wound up being a perfect summary of her feelings for the next few years. Okay, so Gordon wasn't jumping waterfalls or chasing polar bears (leave it to Paul to come up with cheesy lyrics when trying to be emotionally vulnerable) or running after motor cars, but the ever constant coming home just to get himself drunk was quite a good equivalent. It was taking him away from her. And just like Paul was singing, she needed his love. She would never, _ever_ admit it, but she did. Little Arthur needed two parents to raise him, not just one. If he was just drifting away from her, how was that supposed to work?

The years went on and on and Carolyn was trying her hardest to make things work. She did not want to get a divorce from him though. No, not with a child to still raise. She knew how confusing it was to have your parents no longer be together when growing up. She really didn't want to inflict that on Arthur. And especially not as it turned out that he was, well, slow. That was probably the nicest term she could think of, but it didn't stop her from using words such as “idiot boy.” It wasn't as if she was trying to be cruel to him. It was tough love. “Oh, you idiot boy, don't microwave your food with the fork in the bowl!”

During her time raising Arthur, there weren't a whole lot of songs by Paul McCartney that really fit her current situation much. Unlike him who had been easily raising kids with a loving wife for years now, she was finding herself trying to hold a family together as best as she could. If that meant having to end every day with a shouting fight with Gordon almost every day, then so be it. She was determined to knock some sense into her husband's head. “I don't care how much you hate children, Arthur is your son, and you should be there for him!”

Looking back on it now, Carolyn wishes she just would have divorced him a lot sooner. Who gave a damn if it was confusing to deal with why your parents didn't just stick together like all the others, it would've given her son a much less traumatic childhood that way.

As Arthur reached into his teenage years, Gordon seemed to be home less and less. Eventually Carolyn worked it all out and discovered that he had bought a little place somewhere else. Of course he did, he had the money to. He was becoming sick and tired of all the arguing the two of them were having and of being around “that retarded Arthur.” Oh, did Carolyn lose it that night. Her temper had blown a fuse so quickly that she was surprised she hadn't literally exploded. She honestly was quite lucky that Gordon hadn't decided to become physical during it all.

It was when Arthur was 20 that Carolyn finally decided it was about time to divorce Gordon. These last few years had involved him being away from them for so long that it hadn't really mattered that she was still with him. But she couldn't deny it any longer, it was stupid still being stuck to him like this.

Now, Gordon hadn't made any contact with them in years. And Carolyn certainly did not want to call him up nor visit his house. So what could she do to get his attention? Well, a certain little jet had been left behind here at their house...

While she hadn't really called it MJN at that point, Carolyn had still decided that to rouse up her husband's attention without caving in she could recruit a few pilot friends she knew and start up a charter jet company. After all, if her time managing a sweet shop and being married to a businessman taught her anything, it was just how to run things. Of course it took a while for news to spread to Gordon, after all he was a very busy man, but soon he caught whiff of just what it was she was doing. And he, naturally, was furious.

So they had a nice, serious chat (which really meant a disastrous argument) and a divorce was to be put into action. But of course because it was Gordon and Carolyn, they couldn't just have it finalized within months. No sir, they had to argue over every little thing. Who would get the house? How much money in their estate would each keep? And, the worst of them all, who would claim ownership of G-ERTI? After many tries to claim it as his own, Carolyn inevitably succeeded in keeping it. After all, it was a part of her business. That business was all her own, something that Gordon couldn't touch.

So in 2004 everything about the divorce had finally been, well, finalized. Carolyn kept what was now MJN running, despite the fact she was now losing money each way she looked. But she couldn't let it go. Not only did it remind her of just how she managed to get out of that terrible relationship with Gordon, but it gave her something to actually do. Raising Arthur had occupied so much of her life, but now he was grown up (or at least as grown up as he'd ever be). She didn't want to become obsolete. Having this much power over something was refreshing for her.

For so long she hadn't really actively searched for a McCartney penned tune to match her situation, but only a year after the divorce had she found one. “Too Much Rain.”

_Laugh when your eyes are burning_

_Smile when your heart is filled with pain_

_Sigh as you brush away your sorrow_

_Make a vow that it's not gonna happen again_

It was all about finally being able to escape something. Finally letting yourself be happy again. And really, in the past 8 years, despite the bitchy demeanor she may give off, she was. She really was.

Carolyn shook her head silently to herself as she made her way to the checkout aisle. 64 years. They weren't easy ones. Not at all. That little girl listening to “Love Me Do” alone in her bedroom did not for one second expect life would turn out like this. She wasn't sure what exactly she wanted to back then, but she was sure nothing that had happened to her would've crossed her mind.

But yet, she really couldn't have asked for it any other way. Her life was difficult. But that was life. It wasn't easy. It sent you through an obstacle course. It expected you to be able to successfully maneuver around each and every barrier in your way. But it was through completing each challenge that helped shape you. It gave you strength, it gave you wisdom.

As she was putting the groceries back into the car, she thought back to the song that triggered this recap of her life story. The ever-optimistic Paul McCartney sang about being 64 almost as if it was something to fear. “Hey, when I'm older, please tell me that you won't leave me because being old is boring. Here's all these things we could do when I'm up there so that maybe you'll find being with an old geezer isn't so bad?” Ha! Being 64 wasn't something to be ashamed of. No, instead all those years should be worn with pride.

**Author's Note:**

> Any lyrics referenced do not belong to me at all but rather to The Beatles, specifically good ol' Macca himself.


End file.
